Morning and New Life

Up and on the computer, several times during the night also to see if special information had arrived.

Its arrival was here this early morning,
arrival on a cold night in New York.

Official that I am now a great grandmother, a boy and honored that a part of  his name is my maiden name:)

A heart full of health and happiness is wished this special granddaughter who was my first
grandchild and always held a special place in my heart.

Graham Nolen can hardly wait to physically hold you but you have been held with much love
in my heart since the first day that I was told you would be arriving.

God Bless you, my Jessica, Mathew and Graham Nolen and know you are all well loved.

at the old farm house
 years ago
Jessica and grandma....

just received.....

Decisions

My two youngest granddaughter's
two weeks ago at grandma's (ME)
will be so nice to be near them

So many checking in and asking about me
and have not been up to sharing all that is going on.

A doctor shared several years ago with just a few aches from arthritis
that I need to get use to it as it would get worse.

Oh how I disliked him and changed to someone else
now I would look at him and say "how true your words were at that time.)

Seems mobility is really bad, cane is not enough and now most of the time walker.

Always been strong and determined at everything.  A full, active, fearless life.

At the moment so many decisions and so much to do, my children helping but cannot move
in with me with their families, work and some not near.   I have some help but want my
family with me, how childish of me.

I said I would never leave this home that was built with love 9 years ago,  A dream, nothing but me and nature and little Callie.  I did everything, no help and enjoyed my life and nature, pushed and pushed, never relaxing and now there is no push left.

Now told I am so healthy but can hardly walk across the room and simplest tasks are difficult and to accept that a wheel chair may be something in the future,
I am ashamed of this body not functioning the way it has in the past, it has been taken care of well
but maybe not resting and pushing and pushing was not a good idea - but it was me.

Yesterday visited an assisted living not far from 2 of my daughter's and young granddaughter's, it is near where I use to live, familiar with the area but at the moment wonder if driving will return.
A beautiful place, but can make no mistake at this decision to be made.   This may be what I truly need as I can have some help in this home but not constant help and encouragment.

It was Heaven being with my girls.   So long story short may relocate and my heart is here
by the woods.   So much to be done, moving, reorganizing, a lot eventually being sold and passed on.

So last night and continuing this early morning I am sick.  Just everything seems over whelming
to the one who never needed help, moved quickly with confidence and seems I have lost her.

Hoping some of me returns when final decision is made,   My son who will arrive soon
and daughter's helping me.

So guess I have not been realistic thinking I could go on forever with writing, camera, gardening
and always moving quickly and able to get on my much loved mat, walk outside with little Callie.

So you age and much happens and now I pray for acceptance, thankfulness and the ability to continue onward
with Peace and joy of memories with a life well lived.

I feel as though I am disappointing everyone
but mostly myself.  So ashamed this is not cancer, lung or other disorders, it is just a body that is wearing out and normal for someone now in her 80's.   Not afraid of death, guess just the process of deterating

So honestly I have shared and hopefully soon new images to post and possibly describe a
new way of life and oh how I have enjoyed the words shared with so many I have never met.

You are all angels.

Another Day

brought downstairs this 3 year old Christmas Cactus.

Red one still on loft is just forming blooms.

Purchased 3 years ago, so tiny and the blooms last a long time.

Beautiful sunny week after Thanksgiving.

Enjoyed my family so much and so many missed in other states and countries.

The girls
love Callie and really spoil her on their visits...

and image shared
given to oldest young granddaughter

grandma
thinks he is a winner...

Thanksgiving

First time ever
my girl's brought dinner.

My two youngest

so good to have family with me

Continuing onward
trying to find out more information....

TWO POSTS THIS DAY

Sharing dreadful gel shot procedure
done  hours ago

a lot of fluid drained off of knee
which added to pain
and shot
not as painful as other procedures I have had in the past

told I responded very well.....

walked back through parking lot with cane in hand
Jamie by my side

told my pain tolerance high

told carry on with life
no restrictions
no elevating or icing
move and rest

will return next 2 weeks to finish shots
a mystery how long pain relief lasts ( conversation with lady in waiting room
said hers lasted 6 months.....and had 2 other times.

thankful it is over

tonight I will sleep
with the dread of this procedure over

knee almost looks normal
where it was twice its normal size

I had read of so many horrible painful tales of this procedure
my girl said
"mama you need to stop doing all this research"



So ever thankful
and thankful to my girl
Jamie - who never lets me down - Bless her
and sleep I must tonight.

thankful for many thoughts going my way....

This Morning

Because you asked :)

Computer working once again
thankful to special son in law and Cheryl at Mouse Calls Computer in Nashville, Tennessee.
Working but it seems slow
but at least I can write once again, look at mail and research what is going on with knee

Appointment at 1:00 for injection of jell and have read way too much about this procedure.
Some it helps and others it does not.   Painful but had bone marrow biopsy 2 years ago
and that is supposed to be the most painful and I survived.

The pain in swollen knee has been horrible, sleepless nights, nauseated, etc.

So will see what today brings.

Thankful my Jamie is arriving this morning after taking her children to school.

The independent one all of her life, doing things her way, always successful it seems now
it is different. 

Guess a part of the last years on this beautiful earth even with a good mind
you need help, help you can depend on and your children have their lives
and it is way it is suppose to be.   Just not the way it was in my past years.

Without being diligent in doing everything I know to do and much thankfulness and prayer
do not know of anything else to do.

If I am not a candidate for knee replacement and pain is unbearable
guess some type of pain medication I will have to take and have not wanted too.

Enough shared, a beautiful sunny morning is arriving, will do the mat and breakfast.

Received this morning from son in Thailand
a walk leading to a special place he goes too.

So beautiful.....

Wha Else Can Happen

My AOL desk top has disappeared.

It is AOL Gold, have tried to contact and a wait of 20 minutes for them to install and will charge me.

On my blogger site I can write and post but cannot email to family or forward other special items
Guess it will give them a rest....
This happened last year and when paid a sum for a year of AOL all was replaced :(

Knee is so swollen and very sore, called Orthopedic office and told first appointment was next
Tuesday and Jamie will go with me.   Gel solution will be injected, fluid removed and told if
it was to painful to wait until then to go to ER.

Sad and disappointed, nothing like it was for years when I made a call and was immediately able
to go to the doctor's office.   Did not realize how privileged I was at that time.   Now the attorney I relied on for direction for years, the doctors I went to for years
have all passed on or more ancient then this one.

Seems I have become a part of the discarded ones.

So trying to stay off of feet, elevate and ice knee and not a good one to take it easy.

Have heard all kinds of results for the Gel injections, first the fluid will be drawn off of my knee and then 3 shots given, one each week for 3 weeks
and some report their is relief and some so painful they do not finish the injections and some no
relief.

Will try again later to phone AOL to see if they will please give me back my AOL Desktop.

Maybe you can on Google forward emails and what I share
do not know how
and brain and body  just weary from all that is going on.

Hopefully I do not fall between now and Tuesday.

So stupid of me to say this
with a good mind
just never planned on the body going....

Last March
when my son made a visit
"how happy I looked"

Had to Get Out

Still cool and sprinkling days.
Down the road I travel to the new expanding Market
something new
yogurt so similar to how they make in Italy.   I like the little glass jars with colorful tops.
Bought 2 and will try some in the morning.

Walking down every isle, finding new items, then to post office and my weekly
Pumpkin Latte from Dunkin Donuts, so good.
Home, did not feel like making soup and cooked small section of Salmon purchase
along with mushrooms and BokChoy

Have not seen radishes this small and healthy looking since Spring, did not have glasses to see
where they came from.   I like to slice paper thin and enjoy.

I like to carry an energy bar with me in the car.  Most of them too hard for me to chew
another one buying some suggested "Larabar" purchased a Fruit and Green and a Peanut Butter

Told I am not eating enough with 2 small meals and must add some more during the day
besides the Ensure with Ice Cream :)
Also purchased some ground turkey to make patties for turkey burgers  and ground pork
to make my own sausage using my Sage.   This is an experiment, can mix and freeze and take
out what I need....

Wanted to purchase a turkey breast or small turkey for Thanksgiving and told they were in just had not been put out.
I know the small size goes quickly....

Much Happening

For 40 years
every home I have lived in I planted Sage.   It was planted for Thanksgiving Dressing  I make.  Sage from the market
is horrible, what a difference fresh sage and all fresh herbs make, I love the scent.    Reading earlier today I learned of the medicinal
uses of fresh Sage.   So much I did not know.     The Sage plant by my deck was planted 9 years ago,
blooms in the summer and always in the Fall but some sprigs, place in water for the Fall cooking.
It is rapidly turning dark, steps from porch are wet, in the morning will take a picture of my Sage
and also pick a bouquet to put in the kitchen.

Recent picture  of son in Saigon, blesses me,

GD  Sarah arrives in another day to visit him and other areas in that country

picture of her last trip to that country...

A wet, 60 degree day and seems I stayed chilled most of the day.

 Over and over the thought comes to mind "what would I do without this computer
to keep in touch with my family"....

Planned on making Corn Chowder at noon today, looked in freezer a carton of Chili so will make the chowder tomorrow.   Did make a Waldorf Apple salad., instead of sour cream, which out of used
whole milk Yogurt - so good with sliced grapes, raisins, walnuts and a little crushed pineapple.

One of young granddaughter's now has a driving permit :)

Lady Bugs

This cottage is covered

with hundreds of Lady Bugs :)

My mother use to say they brought Good Luck

So it is all coming
and so welcome....

So warm yesterday
80 degrees

and the time change did not mind
since I get up early anyway.

Coming week
my chef granddaughter
will visit my son in Thailand.

My Beth just returned from visiting the chef in Nantucket
season is now closed.

A traveling family

and it is wonderful
to not want to go anywhere
and enjoy this time of life I am journeying through.....

New Additions

Do not eat a lot
but healthy.   Have started adding Bee Pollen and Hemp Hearts to oats that I eat twice a week.
Mentioned to some daughter's and they replied they used them.

Early morning as water boiled put some sunflower seeds, cran raisins, chia seeds in water and added oats, also l bowl of whole milk yogurt. banana with honey.
This looks good but only eat about 1/2 along with 2 cups of green tea.

Breakfast after 20 minutes of stretches

Callie, never takes her eyes off of me.

Wish I could conquer this ongoing pain, when I am moving the
 mind stays sharp and clear.  Would not be this way if on pain medication.
  Seems if I keep moving I am not as aware of pain.
If that makes sense,  told to rest more which has never been a part of my personality.  If I become interested in a new book or one of my many old books, I rest.   Not a television person...

After a past week of daily appointments
it is so nice to be home, looking out every window I see the colors of Fall.

Miss so very much walking on this property and now cannot chance.  Even with cane or the walker
I rarely use
it is not a good idea...

Wondering what do I eat later today
noticed in the freezer a plate I had frozen of corn, green beans, carrots and roast.  So that issue solved.

Just reminded clocks go back tonight.   Oh My
now go to bed at 6:30
does that mean 5:30
and I get up in the middle of the night :)

Friday

It looks like another 7 days of rain

a busy week behind me and beginning today are welcome days at home.

My welcome theraphy visit weekly has stopped :(

Still doing daily research on knee surgery which I do not want to put myself through.

My only desire is to keep moving and will continue handling pain in a intelligent way.

I will continue exercising daily and even increase, will walk daily if it has to be at the market
holding on to a cart for 30, 45 and even an hour 3 or 4 times weekly.

My mind is in an excellent place

and now this body follow through.

Every day something good happens.

Thankful for so much in my life.

Keeping a smile on my face seems to offer the same from others :)

Molasses Cookies

My special neighbor, every Wednesday brings in my local paper, that is tossed out by mailbox and every other week brings me
 a dozen fresh eggs from her chickens and I pass on my Sunday New York Times.   This morning
she brought me 3 Molasses cookies, so good with my tea.  Had forgotten this recipe, she shared
with me a year ago I made them and may have posted but cannot find.

Recipe is on the Molasses bottle..

1 cup of brown sugar
1/2 cup of vegetable shortening (I use butter)
1 cup if molasses
1 large egg or 2 small ones

2 1/4 cups of all purpose flour
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp of ginger
1/4 tsp salt 1/2 cup of water
1/4 cup of granulated sugar

combine sugar and butter, beat until light and fluffy
add molasses and egg
combine flour and spices, stir with a whisk
add sugar and flour, beat a low speed
cover and freeze for 1 hour

lightly coat hands with cooking oil and shape ingredients into 1 inch balls
place on cooking sheet that has been coated with cooking spray
375 for 8 minutes, cool on wire racks

recipe on bottle shares of dipping dough lightly in water and dipping in sugar
I DO NOT DO THIS

Makes a lot of cookies
like 4 1/2 doz
next time Jamie and family visit
will make
also pumpkin bread
or if I can sooner will make
want to share with my special theraphist
his last day today
will miss him.   Hopefully returns first of year.

Computer is it you or Me

For several days I wanted to write a new post and post pictures. 
Could not log in.
3 hours one day and another day 2.   It troubles me to bother my writer - Jamie.
Well everything just appeared again, so have no idea what was going on.

Did some searching and was told they were doing something different with blogger.

Hopefully everything is back to normal.

Cold mornings, in the low 30's and I even spotted frost several early mornings.

A busy morning, trip to the dentist and then back to my area for ultra sound results.   Seems
all is well and dark on ankles is blood stain where vein had a problem.   Told stain will not go away
and must wear a support stocking, from ankle to below knee.  Ordered on Amazon and oh my
how difficult to put a 1/2 of a stocking on - feels good once on and said would support these
small legs :)

Will be writing again soon.

All who comment have become special friends
need you....

November starts tomorrow
and then with December the end of the year....

The Way It Was and Day Going By Too Rapidly.....

Up the stairs carefully and so glad when building 8 years ago put two hand rails) up to loft to tackle ironing that has been on the board  for months(moved from storage room for this project)  4 pair of white slacks will store until next Spring, ironed 6 pillow cases, 2 blouses, still 4 things will do later and have ironing board put back in storage room where I usually ironed but moved in front window because I like looking out the big window :)

Help yesterday "God Bless him" brought many plants inside as it is suppose to frost in a few days.
Last year plants on screen porch and lost 2 huge plants that I had for 25 years or more, like losing a special friend and also reorganized the garage - all the chores I did up until 2 years ago and now cannot (:

some in garage

Remember at one time 5 bedrooms, every bed dust ruffles, special pillows, they looked so pretty.
Now my bed room down stairs, guest room on loft.  Continuing going through clothes, now one young granddaughter

is bigger then grandma and my youngest, I am not her style.   But a lot of beautiful sweaters every
now and then they like.  Sweaters over 50 years  and realize that Cashmere always looks great and the older ones nicer then what you purchase now,  have always taken good care of them and hand washed.  Continue down scaling and want this cottage almost empty when my ashes are in the
garden....

Planned on short trip to town today but really do not like  leaving this cottage, cool weather but when the sun is shining it is beautiful

an Iris a friend shares, blooms twice a year and is still going strong, I will cover and my special sign
says it all, time to start spegetti sauce :)

Colder Mornings

 Heat is on for a short time, days begin in the 40's.

Just pulled the down comforter off of the top shelf to put on my bed.
Remember 35 years ago living in the drafty old farmhouse that I could not stay warm at night.  Wish I could have slept in front of the nightly wood stove that was burning (would pull my chair up in front of it at night and read, miss a wood burning fire)  sharing with special daughter who lives in upper Michigan.   She told me I needed a down comforter, ordered one, mine is that old and so warm it is.

Thank you Mary....

So off the shelf, put in the dryer to fluff and to think how old this one is, they never wear out.  Use to keep a cotton cover on it, but now leave it bare.  Shopping with a special friend who is now deceased
spotted this pillow in the window of a small shop, (Happily Every After) bought it and she said "it needs fringe and I will put it on for you"  Clarice you are missed, never anyone like you has come along.

Returning from ultrasound late yesterday (later then I like to be out) coming down the country road
their were 2 rainbows in the sky, they always bless me when I see them, wish I had my camera with me.

A day at home, hopefully attending to much that has been left undone.

Thank you joared, never thought of medical marijuana.   Therapist called and coming this afternoon, I asked does anyone in this community use this, his answer "a lot" and if you ever took it you would
gain weight.   Good I replied need about 8 lbs.

So day is beginning on the mat, breakfast.

Sun to shine, nice as now I go to bed it is dark and up and it is dark.

A heart full of thankfulness continues and will be glad when I hear results of ultrsound in a week.

Remembering

There was a time in my past when every leaf hit the ground I raked them up, not anymore they are beautiful.

A rainy day and I am home, so nice and a lot of organizing papers on desk and closet with clothes
for this season.  Have chili and vegetable soup in the freezer and something simple I will make
peel apples and make a apple upside down cake, even have pecans to sprinkle in the butter and
brown sugar.   Sounds like Fall.   For years made a pineapple upside down cake and last year made
the apple - so good and very simple.

         just out of the oven - another time an addition of raisins - smells so good and so easy
         was not as easy to flip this time - so heavy but did it :)


Orthopedic doctor last Wednesday and my Jamie with me.   Everything the same, shots help pain in shoulders, knees that is a different story.  This healthy one through the years is now experiencing a lot with this petite body I did not expect.  Realize more then ever  nothing lasts forever.  So please all of you young ones Take Care of Yourselves....Told once again that they do not think I am a good candidate for knee surgery, not sure at this time if I agree. May go ahead since they tell me I have a lot of years ahead - oh my really I will be really ancient.   Something new is going to be tried if my insurance will cover.  3 shots over 3 weeks of a thick substance and some say it helps
the knee for weeks and others comment it does not.   Will see....

Trying something new, no pain or inflammatory medication, started 4 days ago and stopped
Tylenol 8 hour pain relief 3 times a day and several other things.  So far I feel better, will wait and see.

so checking in and just do not like sharing health issues

but guess part of this journey.    Thanks to the many who comment and email me.   Helps me   continue my joy of writing ...................

Wednesday and ultra sound on darkening ankle, told nothing serious, an issue sometimes with aging

a leaking vein.   Never heard of it, no weight on this one, no veins, just nice clear legs,

no heart problem.   So just something else to check and maybe just cauterize a vein

and wear a sock from ankle to below knee with pressure.   Oh my why does anyone want to read this because I surely do not like sharing.....

Guess Fall is Here

Tried to catch an image of the fog this early morning
high 30's my girl just called from city and on her way to take me for the dreaded
cortisone shots.... Bless her, a long drive and so early in the morning.

UPDATING - Fainting and My Pretty Girls

Will continue.  Wednesday night, pain increasing and continually told to take Tramadole, even 2.and never have so I though Thursday morning I had a good breakfast so morning I took one.

I took Thursday morning at 10 and in the next 15 minutes broke out in a heavy sweat,

sick at my stomach and headed for bathroom.   I woke up on the floor, had fainted.

so all night Friday very high blood pressure and called emailed son in Thailand when I wrote "call me"

he immediately did, they are 12 hours ahead, 

he told me to call 911 and go to ER.   Just hated to call but now blood pressure over 200 all night and called 9l1/

After I woke up on floor Tramadol had taken affect and less pain.   Had a huge know on top of head.

ribs were very sore.  Just stayed here will pain, head and ribs aching, did not want to go to ER/

Friday night awake all night and emailed my son in Thailand he immediately emailed me, could not reach daughters at the time in the night,

So call 9ll, this experience frightens me as I have done 2 other times in the past.

Er eukaryote, cat scan, and so thankful just badly bruised ribs and top of head.

So today just not feeling well, slight headache and slight nauseated., no appetite.

Pushing food or ensure and told to rest ( I am not a good resting person)

Told this will take a while to heal and not feel pain in rib cage and on top of head.

I could have broken something. SO THANKFUL

So called receptionist - nurse and doctor not available, she said she would pass on.

Have not heard from doctor ?

Friday visit from Jamie and girls and today my Beth arrived

the helper I use is on vacation and will be back on Tuesday.

A little confused hope this makes sense, just had not planned on ER visit

but glad I did so I know what is going on...

they made a visit yesterday - so welcome they were

Shelby (Caitlin's best friend) my Jamie, Caitlin and Amelia.

Oh my, so pretty and smart they are
my blessings overflow.

I tell Jamie - Please guard them .....

This morning, my Beth is arriving to take her mama to the grocery and gas in car.

To be continued
finally a Tramadol pain pill
fainting and 911.

Today

Remember.......


Maybe being powerful
means being fragile

Al Wewei


One of the most difficult people to forgive
is yourself.
Yet with patience and determination
it can be done

Allan Lokos

On This Day

On this day I was born in my grandmother's bed to my 18 year old mother.
Not quite 5 lbs and my mother told me she embroidered E's on my gowns.  Wish she had saved me one:)   My mother came down with scarlet fever and this one with double pnemonia - a difficult time.
No baby pictures and do not remember having a doll.  That's alright as it was difficult times for them.

A clear, cloudy and warm in the 80's day.

a man who helped me wash window's 35 years go, named Bill, talented at carving and did this
for me.  I wanted him to carve inside a tree for me but he disappeared.  Basil is thriving and
the scent is wonderful in the kitchen.

Some of my girls will arrive soon and happy for this

Candles are burning along with healing incense and time for the mat and then breakfast.


Spotted a red fox in the yard 2 days ago.
could not find my camera quick enough (image from google)
but this looks just like him or her....

I Look Back Through the Years

Update at 1:00

I was going to delete this post

as different comments from several children.

Just noticted that 186 prople had already read it this morning

so guess I will leave it.  It is me and part of my journey..

Was not going to post today, thought tomorrow, but with rain a long day ahead and not planning on posting tomorrow, I will post this Sunday morning.....

Have dates wrong, just estimated.

40 years ago with my mother at my special farm house

I can see it from the windows of this much loved cottage that sits by the woods.

first grandchild, my Jessica
Jamie and this one 30 years ago.
First trip after my divorce 42 years ago with Jimmy and Jamie.  Oh my how I have wanted
to return,  It never happened and I dream of the 14 times on that island.

starting over in the country house with my 2 youngest, older in college

and bless his heart my son back and forth to city school

a new life and it was finally the real me

Jamie and I - a new life in the country

20 years ago Jessica and grandma I love a swing - one at every home

Amelia about 8 years ago

about 5 years ago, my Laurie the oldest and her 2 children, my grandchildren Jessica and Gavin
and my son, Jimmy.

With granddaughter Sarah, the chef - 3 years ago

I was 2 months pregnant with my Jamie at this time, Laurie, Beth, Jimmy and special daughter Mary who was with me for 14 years, divorce coming A stormy time and so sorry.  A marriage that produced wonderful talanted children but was not good for me with so much responsibilty on me with managing a lot in our business, home, children and a husband I could not depend on.
A business that was the American dream come true, grew rapidly and was closed with recession.

vowed never to share, these years truly were the unhappiest time in my life 

living room and my bedroom in the fine city home

never missed it as this life almost destroyed me.

pictures not in order cannot find many

                                      .

last year

2 years ago

Now traveling
through these  80,s
where has time gone ?
My life has included everything, Happiness, creating, careers, sadness, good  health and never health problems until
last few years when happiness and peace over flows in my soul.